Thursday, May 10, 2012

Shitty fucking driver

After a hard year of university, I finally returned back to my small town to work and save for the next year of school. The way I do this is by driving a delivery truck for my old man’s shipping company. Not too bad of a job, till today.

I am driving on a highway to a nearby town where most my deliveries are.  I notice at an intersection coming up, where I have right of way, there is a black Buick Enclave. I see it has stopped at the intersection. So I keep on my merry little way. Now when I am just about to pass her she decides, “I hate this fucking SUV and that delivery truck.” I come to this conclusion because she decides to cross the highway just as I am about to pass. I swerve and miss her with the front of my delivery truck, but the my rear tires smash into her SUV. It rips the front of her Enclave off and snaps my rear axil and drive shaft. She fucked me.

I jump out to see if she is okay, unfortunately no harm came to her empty fucking head. I ask what the fuck happened and she said, “it all happened so fast I don’t know I didn’t see you.” I know she is blowing smoke up my ass at this point. I drive a big YELLOW delivery truck. You have to be fucking blind to miss it. So I assume she could not see because her head was up her ass. This makes my friend "Fucking Stupid" look like a good driver.

Worst part of this fucking mess, is what I was transporting. I deliver milk for Dairyland and Saputo Inc. Now I don’t know if you have ever dropped a whole litre of milk on the floor before, but when that shit is spread out on the floor it is fucking mess. This is nothing compared to the couple thousand litres of milk that flowed out of my truck when I opened the doors to check the load. To anyone who has ever said don’t cry over spilled milk, go fuck yourself.

Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Useless Smokers

Every once in a while I like to go out for a night on the town, to try and forget all the shit you people give me to write about. There is nothing like having a couple of cocktails, getting out on the dance floor, having a little fun. However, after a couple of hours, I feel like a 7 year old Malaysian kid in a sweat shop. So I will usually take a step outside to get a breath of fresh air and cool off. Usually, at this point I have forgotten all the stupidity that raises my fucking blood pressure. Unfortunately, this is the time that someone brings me back to reality and gives me chest pains.

A person will walk up to me and every other person outside and ask me for a lighter or even worse a smoke. Now some of you who smoke might think I am an asshole. My defense against such allegations . . . is you can go fuck yourselves. How does someone have a habit, that gives those cravings that makes them irritable pricks every forty five minutes, and not have everything they need to satisfy those cravings. Listen you fuckers; do you really think you won’t be craving a smoke in 45 minutes? So fucking stupid. “Can I bum smoke”? Hell no, but you can go fuck yourself.

And don’t confuse me for someone who is anti-smoker. I know a stress-related heart attack will get me before lung cancer gets any you assholes smoking. I don’t give a shit how you end you fucking life faster. Booze, smokes, sex, drugs; fuck it, who gives shit. Name your poison and take it. 

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

DWBFI (driving while being a F@#$ing idiot)

I am huge supporter of public transit. This is not because of some love of the environment, but rather because most of the time I get behind the wheel, I get closer to having a stroke than to my destination. This is due to how many shitty drivers there are.

Now if you are wondering if you are a shitty driver and are possibly responsible for near accidents or the causing of strokes, here are 2 factors I see contributing to driving (and being a f@#$ing idiot).
#1. Are you under the age of 30? If you are young, you are most likely fucking stupid. The logic is simple: the younger you are, the dumber you are. The natural gathering of experience that accompanies aging will usually decrease your stupidity. So there is hope that you will one day be able to navigate the road without generating both danger and hate. Don’t buy it? Look at younger version of yourself. You would believe anything your parents told you. Let us consider: the tooth fairy, Santa, and the Easter bunny. If your parents tried to sell you on that B.S now you would laugh at them but back then you ate that shit up easily.

You need more proof, then let me tell you a little story. For protection of what will be left of this person’s dignity, we will substitute his real name with “Fucking Stupid”. One day during the winter, Fucking Stupid was driving. Fucking Stupid comes up to an intersection, where an old lady stops short, and he slid right into the back of her vehicle. Now I love Fucking Stupid like a brother but his excuses were weaker than my faith in humanity.

He told me the reasons for the accident were the icy conditions of the road and the old lady stopping short. Very observant Fucking Stupid. Yes these are contributing factors, but the cause is Fucking Stupid being young, and well, fucking stupid. First of all how fast was Fucking Stupid driving? Fast enough to give that old lady a sore neck. I would guess the speed limit, or, more likely, the speed limit plus 10km/hr. Fucking Stupid should have left earlier and drove slower. If he did that I would be calling him Fucking Smart, not Fucking Stupid. He should have increased his following distance. Now I am going to guess that Fucking Stupid could have paid more attention to the road. I can bet you that there was some sweet tunes blasting out of his radio and he was probably thinking about a girl or if he was going to be late. He was probably thinking about anything besides the car in front of him. Well let’s ease of Fucking Stupid. In a couple of years he’ll figure it out. Now let us move on the next clue.

#2. Are you lazy/useless? You can tell, if this is someone else, if you have ever had someone drift into your lane and you had to honk to apparently wake them up. This happens all the time, and it isn’t because people are that tired. No no no, it is because these people are lazy and useless. To prevent this situation, all the person drifting into your lane would have had to do was make a shoulder check. All that person had to do was turn that big empty fucking head of theirs and see your vehicle. Furthermore, where is the signal? How useless and lazy can someone be that they cannot move their finger 3 or 4 inches to reach the signal? If you don’t use your signal when you switch lanes, do the world a favour and plow your vehicle into a concrete wall. Preferably somewhere that you won’t hurt anyone else.

Leave any other factors you can identify in the comments. Help people identify people driving while being a F@#$ing idiot. Cops are too busy stopping people for the more obvious reasons of motor vehicle accidents.

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Hi i'm a PC and Hi i'm a douchebag

 Hi I’m a PC. Hi I’m a Douche Bag.
If you haven’t been to a university campus recently, then you would not be aware of the new religion that is taking the fucking hippy socialist pussy world by storm. The messiah of this new cult and or religion recently died. His name was Steve Jobs. Yes, I am talking about the fanatical following of Apple.

Do not misinterpret what I am saying. I like apple products; matter of fact, I love my IPhone. However, what I hate is when people live in that La La land/dreamworld that apple is not a Corporate business that would kill their own Grandmother, and possibly yours for profits. Apple doesn't care about you, me, their black rim glasses wearing zealots, or anyone else. They care about profits and their investors. If you think otherwise take you IPad or mac book air and smash it against your head till you see the truth, or they replace it under their wonderful product protection plan.

Good on you, if you love apple and buy what they make because it is a superior product. You are a capitalist who spends your money as you see fit. If you bought an IPhone, IPad, and Mac book air to show how big your dick is, you are also a capitalist but also a douche bag, an idiot, and a meat head. Cool IPad bro, you must be really sweet.

However, what I hate the most is the people who see this corporate company as god send that has brought our world closer to salvation. You people are more delusion than the guy using an IPhone as a penis pump, there isn’t an app for that. You look at Steve jobs apple like they make these products out of the goodness of their own hearts and that any money made by apple goes towards purchasing a puppy for every kid who was ever diagnosed with cancer.

You want to know a little well known secret. That you can find in google really easily. Search Apple Foxconn and suicide nets. You will find that apple has their main factory in china. This factory which is owned by a company called Foxconn, which is used by other companies such as HP, Dell and other less worshiped companies, creates many products such as the iPhone and iPad. The working conditions involve working long hours with no breaks and the irresponsible use of dangerous chemicals. The repetitive labour, which is comparable to a Nike sweat shop, has actually caused more than 15 suicides and the threat of a 150 person mass suicide to improve working conditions. Foxconn solutions was to put up suicide nets to catch those who attempt suicide.

So to all you Apple worshipers out there, I hope you can still use the touch on your iPads with all that blood on your hands

Tuesday, April 3, 2012

Phone companies again

Dear god, what is it with phone companies. I needed my phone to be able to connect me, a bell customer, to my girlfriend, another bell customer, they let me down. There was a situation where I really need them to fulfil their purpose as a telecommunications company and they failed miserable. How can I contact multiple people except my girlfriend I pay money faithfully on time every month to be able to contact people? Now there is an invisible go f#$k yourself wall between me and my girlfriend, erected by Bell, to see if I will storm their headquarters.

Know I am at a cross roads to listen to what is left of my sanity and keep calm and carry on, or do I declare war on bell. I do not know what to do. I am on the very edge. Dear god this racket that bell and the other big phone companies run is trying to push me over the edge. I just had to walk to where my girlfriend is because Bell can’t do their damn job. If it wasn’t at night I would have tried a smoke signal. Thanks for taking back to preindustrial era you meat heads.

Group work and Bobby Big Wheels

Hey any of you that are students out there or ever plan to work with another human being read this about five of times and if you can’t figure it out after reading it a couple of times, then just smash your head against the screen till everything goes black.

Group work is the worst aspect of university. I don’t mind it when someone procrastinates when it only murders their G.P.A. Since procrastination is like masturbation the only person they are screwing is themselves. Now when group work is introduced it is like taking every healthy human being and sewing a cancerous tumour into their brain.

I was lucky enough to get assigned a group work this term. Now I don’t mind when someone straight up tells me they want a free ride. They sit there, when there is group discussion of the project, with a blank stupid stare, which screams I am useless human. I will not count on that person for shit; they are dead to me.

Now what I can’t stand is when someone stands up and acts like bobby big wheels. Bobby here will screw you over more than anyone else. He will act like he is here to get some serious work done, especially if there are hot girls in the group. Instead he will screw you. He will take over a part of the project that will fuck everyone else over if he does not get it done.

Now if there was justice, Campus Protective Services would kick down his down his door and beat the living hell out of him. Instead I get charged with breaking and entering and aggravated assault for delivering much needed vigilante justice.  They should publicly flog bobby in front of all his peers to send a message.

Sunday, April 1, 2012

I Phones, Hippies, and phone companies

Who here has an I phone, it is a pretty amazing piece of technology huh? A blackberry meh not so much , but it is better than some bush league Motorola. I will say one thing first i don’t like the I phone because it is an apple product. Which for some reason, people seem to have formed a cult around a company that partakes in the same corporate bull shit that every other company does to get rich. Some of you people are waiting for the resurrection of Steve Jobs. But I’ll rant on you apple worshiping knobs later. As for right now let us get back to the I Phone. It is an amazing thing. I can waste hours of possibly productive time anywhere I can get a cell signal. I don’t just have the ability to purchase music, but also figure out the name of that song, thank god for shazaam. However, if there is one thing that ruins such an amazing piece of technology it is that it is tied to a phone company.
This is the real issue of our society. While all the hippies are banging drums outside the oil sands, chaining themselves to refineries, and bitching about the evils of the oil gas companies. The true source of evil in our society is the phone companies. You know what I am talking about if you have ever talked to representative over the phone or gone into a store to discuss an issue with your bill. Unless you are there to sign your soul over to Bell, TELUS, or Rogers for at least three years, they wouldn’t care if you were bleeding out on the store floor.
I have stood in a bell store and felt time stop. I have sat there with an issue for hour and half. But they can sign you up for a new contract in minutes. You say, “excuse me I have an issue with my phone” they respond with, “do you want to replace it and get a new contract”? If you respond no then they will stare at you blankly. You ask them If you can get a lender and get it fixed and they let out a long sigh and ask if you are sure. Of course I am sure fix my damn phone! I want consumers to chain themselves to their usless displays and sing clever songs about how they are tired of being treated like crap.